10 Things Not to Say to a Military Wife/GF

I found this on another site and found it to be SO TRUE so naturally I have to share! This is not to offend any of my friends/fam who have asked these questions. We're all getting through this and learning together :)

What NOT to say to a military Wife/Girlfriend! :

1. "Aren't you afraid that he'll be killed?"
This one ranks in at number one on the "duh" list. Of course we're afraid. We're terrified. The thought always lingers at the backs of our minds - but thanks, Brilliant. You just brought it back to the front. Maybe next you can go ask someone with cancer if they're scared of dying.

2. "I don't know how you manage. I don't think I could do it."
This is intended to be a compliment. Though, it's just a little annoying. Here's why: it's not like all of us military wives/girlfriends have been dreaming since childhood of the day we'd get to be anxious women who carry cell phones with us to the bathroom and in the shower. We're not made of some mysterious matter that makes us more capable, we just got asked to take on a challinging job. So we rose to the challenge and found the strength to make sacrifices.

3. "We're still over there?."
Seriously?? Do you live in a hole? This is one of those things you don't say out loud...

4. "Do you think he'll get to come home for Christmas/anniversary/birthday/birth of a child/wedding/family reunion, etc.?"
Don't you watch the news? No! They don't get to come home for any of these things. Please don't ask

5. "How much longer does he have until he can get out?"
This one is annoying to many of us whether our husbands/boyfriends are deployed or not. Many of our husbands aren't counting down the days untl they "can" get out. Many of them keep signing back up again and again because they actually love what they do or they VOLUNTEER AGAIN and AGAIN to go back to Iraq b/c there is work that needs to be done.

6. "My husband had to go to Europe for business once for three weeks. I totally know what you're going through."
This one is similar to number two. Do not equate your husband's three week trip to London/Omaha/Tokyo/eyc. with a 12-15 month or more deployment to a war zone. Aside from the obvious time difference, nobody shot at your husband or tried to blow him up with an I.E.D., your husband could call home pretty much any time he wanted to, he flew comfortably on a commercial plane, slept between crisp and white sheets and ate well, paying for everything with an expense account. There is no comparison. We do not feel bonded to you in the slightest because of this comment and, if anything, we probably resent you a bit for it. Comparing a 12 month combat deployment to a few weeks business trip is like comparing a crappy Ford Taurus with a Mercedes-Benz convertible.

7. "Wow you must miss him?"
This one also gets another big "duh." Of course we miss our men. There are some wives who do not and they're now divorced. We learn to appreciate the important things, like simply hearing their voices, seeing their faces, being able to have dinner together every night

8. "Well he signed up for it, so it's his fault whatever happens over there."
Yes ignorant, he did sign up. Each and every day he protects your right to make stupid comments like that. He didn't sign up and be asked to be hit by anything, he signed up to protect his country. Oh, and by the way, he asked me to tell you that, "You're welcome." He's still fighting for your freedom

9. "Well in my opinion...."
Stop right there. No, I didn't ask for your personal political opinions. Hey, I love a heated political debate, but not in the grocery store, not in Jamba Juice, not at Nordstrom, not in a bar when i'm out with my girls trying to forget the war, and CERTAINLY NOT AT WORK. We tell co-workers about deployments so when we have to spend lunch hours running our butts off doing errands and taking care of the house, dog, and kids, they have an understanding. We do not tell co-workers and colleagues because we are giving an invitation to ramble about politics or because we so eagerly want to hear how much they hate the President, especially while we're trying to heat up our Lean Cuisines in the crappy office microwaves.

10. "OH, that's horrible... i'm so sorry!"
He's doing his job and he's a rockstar. Don't be sorry. Be appreciative and please take a moment out of your comfortable American lives to realize that our soldiers fight the wars abroad so those wars stay abroad. If you want to say anything, say thank you.

Gourmet Dinner

Why is it that I have a fridge/freezer full of food for dinner... and I choose to eat a pb&j sandwich, raspberries and drink a glass of wine?? Because it tastes fantastic! And people say I can't cook... :)

I'm getting antsy again. It has been 15 days since I've gotten to speak with S.... My text "conversation" list is getting pretty one sided and I'd love to just get another 30 minutes (who am I kidding, I'd take 30 seconds) to talk to him. The time ahead of us still seems so overwhelming. As much as a part of me wants to get this deployment over with, a year is a long time and I have to take advantage of the time.

PB and I signed up for an unlimited month of yoga today. I'm looking forward to getting my butt kicked again and getting those endorphins going (it can't hurt my mood, right?). Also, I got a treadmill this week! I've been sick this week, but I've decided Saturday is going to be my day where I start to run again. So, if I'm limping on Monday at work, please politely ignore me and my 'I haven't run in 9 months' legs :)

Just the good ones

Some genius at Mars candy finally got it right... Just the red fruit jelly beans. How amazing is that?! You buy a bag of Starburst Jellybeans and you only get the good ones. If only everything else were that nice too.

Still missing S (this may get a little repetitive). I feel like a part of my life is kind of missing. Not laughing with him or swapping sarcasm or just spending time with him is such an important part of my life and my day. With him gone and communication basically non-existent, I'm able to have "good days" but they're still just kind of blah.

“Promise me you will always remember: You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think” - Christopher Robin to Pooh

Come Home

OneRepublic has been one of my favorite bands for years and I've listened to their Dreaming Out Loud cd more times than I could count. One of their songs, "Come Home" has been one of my go-to tracks but listening to it tonight, there was a whole new meaning to me. Check out the lyrics below

"Hello world
Hope you're listening
Forgive me if I’m young
For speaking out of turn
There’s someone I’ve been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me
They’re in the wrong place trying to make it right
But I’m tired of justifying
So i say you’ll..

Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home

I get lost in the beauty
Of everything i see
The world ain’t as half as bad
As they paint it to be
If all the sons
If all the daughters
Stopped to take it in
Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin
It might start now...
Well maybe I’m just dreaming out loud
Until then

Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home

Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
So hear this now

Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Come home"

OneRepublic,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qxW0cPo7F_o

Feeling Yucky

Not sure what I'm coming down with but definitely haven't been feeling so hot today.... Not great timing (is there ever good timing) because I have a very hectic work week. But again, when is it not?

I came home from work a little early today and have been watching Army Wives season 2 ever since. I seriously love this show... I know it's fake but some of the topics they cover really hit home with me.

Waiting for my next phone call or text... Although having a different ring tone is helpful, any number I don't recognize gives me a second of hope that it could be S. I think about him all the time... and as hard as that is I don't want that part of my day to stop.

I'm ready for spring. I love that I can leave work and the sun is still up and I can't wait for all of the ice to break and the lakes to come alive again. I'm also hoping if it's nice out, I'll break out of my oh-so-comfy living room and be busy when I'm not working as well as when I am.

Cell Phone Obsession

Today I had the honor of attending one of my college friend's baby shower. LBH is due in 6 weeks and looks adorable! They're not sure whether they're having a boy or a girl... but I think it's a boy :) LBH and her husband live in Sioux Falls, so my other college friend, LMH, and I got 8 whole hours to catch up in the car! So good seeing both of them; and I'm always surprised how I can see them after 9 months away and it's as if we just walked off the St. Ben's campus.

My mom actually grew up in Sioux Falls and both of my grandparents are buried there (my grandpa very recently). LMH was nice enough to venture (and I truly mean venture) around a K-Mart to find some artificial flowers to put on their plots at the cemetary. It made me feel proud that I was able to make that small piece of land that holds such dear people look beautiful... even if our bi-polar weather takes a toll on my decor. And it makes me feel good that the next person that walks/drives by them will know that someone loves them (and I like to think it makes Grandpa and Grandma proud too).

Although there was lots of fun and girl talk in the last 24 hours, I was also getting very down. Today marked 10 days that I hadn't had any communication with S. The more time that goes by, the harder it is for me to justify why I'm not hearing from him and I start to either doubt his feelings for me or worry that he's actually safe. As a result, my phone is with me 24-7. I am determined not to leave it for one minute because if I do, I may miss the one call for the next 10 days. Everytime it rings or I get a text, I jump. And 99% of the time it's not him.

But, tonight it was him. don't get too excited, it was only two text messages. But I seriously felt as though a weight was lifted off my shoulder. He's basically working 18 hour days and gets back to the barracks long after I'm asleep... which explains a lot.

I miss him. As if there was any question. And I feel totally lame for crying when I realized that it was him that texted tonight with something as simple as 'hey, how are you... i have a couple minutes until ___'. But it was such a huge relief. LMH gave me a pretty good idea that I've already taken charge on.... giving S his own phone ringer so I don't have a heart attack each time my phone rings. Because let's be honest, anyone who knows me knows I can be a little accident prone; I'd be the one who trips over a chair while lunging for my phone and then find out it's not him!

On our way home this evening LMH and I saw an insane amount of flooding... all areas of Minnesota from towns to outter suberbia. If you are heathly, have a safe home, and have someone that loves you somewhere, please say a prayer for those who aren't as fortunate.

Thankful

Today was a good day... Things went well at work, it didn't snow, the sun was out, and I went to happy hour with some of my TGT favs.

And I am such a lucky girl. I'm hosting a team meeting at my house tomorrow and had some major cleaning up to do. My mom showed up just as I was getting home armed with rags and super-duper cleaning goo ready to take on my house. Two hours I had a completely new house.

I'm so thankful for my mom. Personally, I'm not sure I would volunteer to go clean someone else's house at 7pm on a Thursday. And there she was with a smile on her face and "happy to help."

"You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them." Desmond Tutu

In a rut

7 days with no communication from S. It makes me anxious and sad and makes the distance between us seem so much bigger than it first was.

On top of that, I can't seem to dig myself out of this rut I seem to be in. I feel like my mood is always blah and the only time I'm really myself is at work (probably because I have to be). I had all of these great ideas to stay busy and start new hobbies, but I haven't done any of it. I have no motivation to do anything but lay on my couch and watch the numerous TV series and movies S has left for me.... I think it makes me feel closer to him. But if I keep this up for the next year, I'll be really disappointed with myself and what a waste of a year that would be. I feel like a little bit of a hypocrite with my brief thoughts and ideas of making the best of each day and then I don't actually do anything about it.

But I truly do want to change that, just having a tough time getting started. So, If you read my post back in Feb titled 'To Do List' and are interested in any of those things, please drag me with you or ask to do it as well. I think if I have a buddy for a couple of these things it will give me just enough leverage to pull myself out of this hole.

"Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it." - Michael Jordan

Staying Positive

It's hard to have a good attitude these days and stay positive.

The tragedy in Japan and the threat for a nuclear disaster makes me sad. What those poor people are going through is absolutely tragic and heartbreaking. And then there's Libya and the awful injustices those people are going through... as if being in Afghanistan and Iraq wasn't enough, now even more brave soldiers are potentially entering another battle and even more families and loved ones are left to pray for their safe return. And those demented individuals whom by posing for some disgusting pictures with deceased Afghan civilians, have publicly disgraced our Military and tarnished the reputation they give their lives for; they have given our critics a reason to trash our amazing men and women in the Army, Navy, AF, CG and Marines and all for a stupid picture. On top of that, I'm missing my boyfriend and am trying to get used to being in a relationship with minimal communication and worrying about whether he'll end up where he originally was going to be.

I have to think that in times like this, there is a purpose. I'm not always a super religious person, but I believe that God doesn't put us through anything we can't hadle. I have to have faith that everything will be exactly how it's supposed to be. We need to wake up everyday and appreciate our freedoms, our families and those we love. Appreciate that the sun is going to come up every morning and that each day you're given is another day to make a difference whether big or small. It's often in times of need and stress that you see someone's true colors. So let's rally together, make a difference where we can, and be thankful for each day that we're given because absolutely nothing in this world is a guarantee.

Love Life, Be Brave

Dramatic?

Like I said before, a couple good days and then a couple of bad....

I feel like the game is changing. This deployment is becoming more real. Its been over a week without seeing S and talking to him (with the exception of 2 texts and a 30 min phone call). I know it's not "that long", but the time thus far has almost been like he's away on some jacked up vacation and I'm starting to feel sad about how long a year really is. Let me explain...

I am very confident in our relationship and that we will make it through this year, but how do I still feel close to him when I feel like I'm forgetting what his voice sounds like? What if I start to forget his laugh, or that look he gives me when I've said something dorky, or his smell? I feel sad that I don't know what he's been doing all day, how he's feeling, what's pissed him off or what he's pumped about...And there's nothing I can do about it. I know our relationship will grow over the next year and evolve to make the sepearation work, but it's hard for me to understand how that will all play out.

Maybe I'm just being dramatic.... That can happen with me from time to time. My head tells me that this is normal - You can't understand something you haven't gone through and I have to believe others that you make it work and just figure it out. My heart hears my head, but it still hurts a little...

Revelations

I started messing around on ancestry.com tonight and learned so much about my family! It's crazy to see how names evolve (my last name should have one less letter in it) and how expansive my family really is.

During this little project I had a couple revelations:

-So many of my ancestors had to overcome some pretty big obstacles. Between fighting their own wars, making the trip with their families overseas from Europe to New York, and crossing the country without cars (or seatbelts, DVD players, and satellite radio) life then offered its share of challenges too. Good reminder for me that all generations have their events to overcome... Also, I find it somewhat comforting that my great grandma may have felt the same sense of worry, anxiety and sadness having someone you love go off to fight for our country as I do.

-Life is truly precious. As I looked back on the 10 or more generations I uncovered, I was almost overwhelmed with the reality that if one of those relatives had made a different choice, died an early death, or settled for 4 kids instead of 5,I wouldn't exist... Not only me, but my mom, my mom's mom, my mom's mom's mom. Pretty crazy to think how fragile life is and how the world truly changes when one child is born.

I had absolutely no intention of getting this deep tonight, it snuck up on me :)

"Any fool can count the seeds in an apple. Only God can count all the apples in one seed." ~Robert H. Schuller

Different

I got to talk to S tonight for an entire half hour. I called expecting to get his voicemail and got him instead! It was a new type of conversation for us.... I swear he even sounded different. And our topics were a little different than normal... I heard about the new machine gun he got as well as his living conditions. I could hear other troops' voices and some interference on the line that reminded me that he is not close to me.

I miss him. The first couple days were hard but then I was ok. Now, instead of getting easier, I feel like the last day or so has been sad again. Maybe it's still too early to be anything consistently and I need to be more patient. Either way I'm so proud of him.... I want everyone to know how brave and talented my bf is and what he's doing to protect our country.

Waiting

5 days.... 5 days since I've seen S's face, heard his voice, seen his smile. I feel as though I'm doing ok with him being gone, but I'm not used to my only conversation with my boyfriend being 2 texts back and forth. I send him messages every day and leave him voicemails; I want him to know I'm thinking about him and wondering how he's doing. But I'm getting tired of waiting... I just want to hear his voice, be able to talk to him and ask him the millions of questions that I'm wondering about. I want to know what he does every day, how he's feeling, and whether he's happy. I know 5 days is nothing.... In the future it could be weeks before I hear from him. But that doesn't mean I can't want to hear from him soon. Even though I'll be constantly waiting for a text, phone call, email, Skype from S over the next year, it's still hard for me not to hope. I just want to see his name light up on my cell phone.... That isn't so much to ask, is it?

Lame

I'm totally lame. I was doing so well today without tearing up once; I think going back to work was helpful to distract me. And then I watched the Bachelor... The new Train song comes on as he's proposing to Emily and I definitely started crying. Embarassing. :)

Update

I heard from S tonight (yay!)... It was very brief and via text message but he let me know that things were going well and he'd been pretty busy. He was just checking in and then was off to dinner but it was so great to hear from him. This should hold me over for another couple of days :)

What I know/What I don't

Things I know:
-I have great friends/family/coworkers.... I was truly taken aback by all of the kind words and support I've received in the past few days
-When you think you can't cry anymore, you're wrong
-Sweatpants, chocolate chip cookies and DVR are lifesavers
-My emotions can turn on a dime
-Army Wives is a fantastic tv show
-I feel guilty if I go too long without thinking about what he's doing
-Leaving voicemails about my day/what's new isn't the same as having a conversation

Things I don't know:
-When I will talk to S
-What he's doing all day
-When I'll go a day without some tears sneaking out
-How I'm supposed to feel
-How I'm supposed to act
-How long until I'll go from counting the days he's been gone to counting the days he'll be home
-What is my new 'normal'

“The keys to patience are acceptance and faith. Accept things as they are, and look realistically at the world around you. Have faith in yourself and in the direction you have chosen.” Ralph Marston

Strength

Active

It's official. S is Active Duty and has left MN. Our last night/morning was fun; we joked around and went out to eat. So normal for us I almost forgot about what today would bring until I came downstairs this morning to see him in uniform lacing up his boots. I walked next to him as he went through the airport and watched all of the looks he got from travelers passing by. Stares of gratitude and curiosity... And then they'd look at me in my normal clothes with my visitor pass to get me to the gate with a look of pity.

I was able to stay strong right to the end. I waited until he was ready to board, hugged, kissed him, told him I loved him and walked away. I couldn't watch him go any further without losing it and I didnt want to leave him with that. I kept it together until I got to my car and then I allowed myself to cry.

I'll get through this and so will he. As much as I already miss him, i'm glad the goodbye is over for now.

Tomorrow will take care of itself

I'm nervous, anxious, sad, and overwhelmed with the next few days of my life. How do you put all of the thoughts, wishes, and fears into words? How do you say goodbye, let him know how much he means to you, and attempt to have him walk away on a good note all at once? I know I will see him again for a day or so in the next month or two... But then it's the same thing again.... But for even longer.

I found this on a Military wife's blog and I found it really inspiring:
"Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?
Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself.
Sufficient for a day is its own evil.”. Matthew 6:24-34

I worry and I overanalyze. It's what I do. As much as I want to just let things happen, I don't know how to do it. But I'm going to try. And in case I'm not successful, if you have any room in your prayers, please keep S and I included.

Thanks for all of your love and support... I so appreciate it.

Confirmed

Flight has been booked and bf's name is on the ticket. Can't believe the day is almost here already. I'm really hoping I'll be able to hold it together when I bring S to the airport and say goodbye. Yikes. This is not going to be fun.

Maybe everytime I feel sad, I should just check out this picture. It makes me laugh because (despite me being a bit intoxicated in this pic) it captures a look I get from S a lot. It's his "really, Alyssa, you just said/did that?" look :)




"You'll never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have left" - Unknown

Love actually is all around

Do you ever take the time to sit back and just observe people? Not people watching to comment on a hairstyle or random piece of clothing, but truly stop to watch people live their lives? I think Hugh Grant in 'Love Actually' says it best....

"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around."

Today I woke up with the same thoughts I've had all month.... wondering how I was going to feel a week from today when S wouldn't be here. To keep myself busy I joined some of my family at the Home and Garden show in Minneapolis. I had originally hoped for some inspiration for my house but I got so much more.

I saw my mom glowing like I've never seen as she held her boyfriend's hand.... My mom who has done anything and everything for everybody but herself is finally getting the love and attention she so deserves. And then there was my sister-in-law and her adorable belly starting to pop out... There is no denying it now that Baby Simm is on its way and I absolutely can't wait. J is so beautiful pregnant and B is clearly proud of his wife and little one. I also realized that I already love that little guy or girl so much and I haven't even had a chance to look into its precious eyes.

And we weren't the only ones... I watched complete strangers laugh, tease, care for, and love eachother and I was inspired in a much different way than I had imagined.

Even though I am faced with one of my biggest challenges and my nerves are off the charts, once I looked around it was so obvious to me that I am surrounded with love. And when you look at it that way, maybe it's not so bad after all....

Sharing

Day 2 of Kindergarten 101: Sharing. It's a simple concept that you learn at a young age, but difficult at times to do yourself. Share... Easy, right?? Share your crayons with your table buddy, share your seat on the school bus with the creepy kid, share your Halloween candy with your brother, share your favorite dress with your best friend, share your Friends collection with your roommate. You always do it when asked, but sharing is never something I've been a superstar at.

Now I have one of my most difficult sharing conundrums yet.... sharing my boyfriend on his last weekend in MN. I want to keep him all to myself.... I want to plan a whole weekend to watch movies, hang out, have some wine. But no.... I have to share. Maybe if I would have been paying more attention to Mrs. Drollson on that very important day in Kindergarten I would be better at this. But I'm not. I'm 28 years old and I want to be selfish. I'm the little girl with pig tails that absolutely does not want to share my blue crayon.... If the squirmy twirp next to me wants a crayon, maybe they should get their own.

But, I have to share. S deserves to spend time with his friends and family before he leaves as much as I deserve to spend time with him. I can only imagine how difficult it is to try to find time to say goodbye to everyone. It's a lot of pressure on him and I'm not going to make it any worse. So I'll be good; I'll smile to the rascall sitting next to me as I loan out my blue crayon like it's no big deal. Because that's what big girls do.... They take off their pouty pants, grab a My Little Pony, and try to stay occupied until it's their turn with the blue crayon again.


"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are" Bernice Johnson Reagon

Happy Hour

Today I'm thankful for good friends... I'm very lucky to work with some fantastic women; women who are great at their jobs but will be a shoulder to cry on or a B!tch Buddy at a moment's notice.

Thanks, girlies, for always being there when I need a walk to get coffee or a much needed glass of wine at our 'home away from home' after work. Your support means a lot to me (and will continue to). You guys kick butt :)

"If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody."
-Chinese Proverb

It's the little things....

I was getting pretty discouraged tonight. It had been 3 days since I'd talked to S and I was starting to get really down. I've been working a lot to keep busy and trying to focus on something other than the constant questions floating around my head. Amazing how one name lighting up on my cell phone screen can completely change my mood. Funny how the things that seem so insignificant when life is 'normal' become so important when your world gets flipped around.

I got to hear all about the Anthrax shots, hours waiting in lines to fill out paperwork, and all of the other exciting things he's doing ;) But, he was talkative (well, talkative for him :) ) and we were able to catch up and joke around like normal. Almost as if I'm not a number of days away from saying good bye for a very long time. But that's the way I want it. I don't want to be sad until he's gone, and after tonight I feel much better about being able to do that.... At least that's my thought as of today. Each day seems to bring different emotions.

I may try to take a day or two off next week and see if I can find a deal for a quick get-away; I'd love any ideas if you have them. I'm also trying to convince him to let me organize getting his friends and mine together Saturday.... he's definitely resisting (S hates being the center of attention) but I have a feeling he will cave.


'Everyday may not be good, but there's something good in ever day' - Unknown

Inspiration

Love this...

Bullseye

How cute is this? I had to get one for myself and for S.... He'll probably make fun of me but oh well :)