Case of the Monday's

How is it that Monday's always seem to sneak up so quickly? Today's been a rough day for me.... I was involved in something at work that I have no control over (again!). However, things will work themselves out and I need to keep that in mind.

S is currently out of state doing his deployment prep. Tomorrow will be filled with lots of shots, paperwork and tests to make sure he's ready for deployment. I'm hoping that his body reacts well to the different medications and immunizations and that he doesn't have to visit medical or have a reaction.

The last couple days have been a little tough for me. I had a lot of fun this weekend - Friday night I went to see my brother-in-law's band play with my sister, and Saturday some of my girls and I had a 'Just Dance' competition and went out for a few drinks. However, getting ready Saturday night to go over to Jenny's, I had my first breakdown since I found out about S's deployment. I think everything caught up with me and I'm having a hard time staying positive. I feel like S is pulling away from me and detaching.... Everything I've read about how a soldier prepares for deployment says that seperation is normal, but it doesn't make me feel any better. And naturally, when he pulls away I try to get closer. I also feel like there's more tension with him. He's anxious and wants to just get going, and I think we're both tired of talking about it. I know it's a stage and I have to have faith that all will work out... but it doesn't make it easier. All I can do is support him and try to have an open mind about the next few weeks/months.

I keep having to remind myself that thousands of girlfriends/wives/families go through this every day; if they can do it, so can I. However, I will say that having to deal with this really sucks. It has made me look more closely at what our mission is overseas and the ongoing war. Please remember as you enjoy the choices you get to make everyday, that freedom comes with a price. Even though it has been 9 1/2 years since 9/11, there are still soldiers putting their lives on hold every day and fighting for peace and equality. Even though the media coverage has stopped and people have moved on with their lives, please don't forget what our brave boyfriends, husbands, brothers, fathers, sisters and mothers are doing. Keep them and their loved ones in your prayers.


"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything" Phillipeans 4:6

Torn

Another snowy weekend, another change on plans. S didn't end up getting his orders for the weekend so he's using the time to get his house renter ready.

Over the last few days, the dates I thought he would be leaving have changed again. Luckily, they continue to be pushed back. However, I'm starting to feel really torn on whether thats a good thing or not. You're probably thinking I'm crazy.... Why would more time not be a good thing? Each week I think to myself that this is the last week, the last weekend, the last Thursday that I will get to spend with bf. And then there's another week... Although I so appreciate more time, the constant anticipation of his upcoming deployment hangs over me through all of it. Thoughts about how I will spend my time, how often will we get to Skype, will he be safe, will he be happy, how will I handle the deployment are always floating through my head. Instead of always thinking about the 'what ifs', a part of me wants to just do it... Start the process so he can be back sooner. As you may have figured out, I don't like spending too much time thinking about 'what ifs'... I'd much rather jump in and get through it. Anticipation is a spectator sport and I don't really feel like standing on the sidelines watching my next 12 months go by...

So, although one part of me wants BF to get started, I'm going to try to put my Type A personality aside and just enjoy the comfort of knowing he is within 20 minutes of me. I don't want to be kicking myself two months from now about why I didn't take advantage of the time with him while I had it.

I've learned that one thing is certain with the Army: Nothing is ever certain.

To Do List

I was thinking about how I want to spend my time for the next year... With S being gone, this is a great time for me to do some of the things I've wanted to do but haven't had the time/motivation; hoping that focusing on some things other than a homecoming countdown will help the time go by quickly and maybe I'll even have a little fun :) So here are my ideas so far... I'd love suggestions!

-Yoga
-Golf lessons
-Slumber parties and cookie baking nights with my niece Anna
-Babysitting and cuddling my new niece/nephew this fall
-personal Attendant for my friend Kerry's big day
-Repaint and organize my office at home
-Read a lot... May try to start a book club
-Watch the Lost series (and a list of other "must see's" S is leaving me)
-Teach Sunday school in the fall
-Take a cooking class
-Organize my pictures in photo albums
-Learn to drive a boat
-Enter a 5K

Cliffie

Today would have been my Grandpa Cliff's 86th birthday. He brought so much joy and laughter to our family and everyone who knew him. He served our country in the U.S. Navy during WWII and was in inspiration to so many. Happy Birthday Cliffie... So glad you can finally enjoy your day again xox

Beliefs

i believe in PINK
i believe LAUGHTER is the best calorie burner
i believe in kissing A LOT
i believe in being STRONG when everything seems to be going wrong
i believe HAPPY girls are the prettiest girls
i believe that tomorrow's another day
and i believe in MIRACLES

~Audrey Hepburn

5 Emotional Stages of Deployment

Can't speak for the next four, but the first stage is right on for where I'm at. Helpful article for those going through deployment or helping your loved ones through theirs

http://www.hooah4health.com/deployment/familymatters/emotionalcycle2.htm

Another snowstorm

Sunday afternoon and we're in the midst of what seems like the 50th significant snowstorm of the winter. However, it does make for a great excuse to stay in my jammies and watch movies all day.

Last night bf joined me and my family at my mom's for dinner to meet her new boyfriend. It was a lot of fun and everyone got along great; however, a lot of the conversations focused on his upcoming deployment again. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for listening to the details he can share about his last deployment and the few things about the upcoming. But, it seems as though no matter whom he's around whether it be my friends or family, all that is discussed is the one thing I'm dreading... His upcoming leave. I completely understand curiosity and who am I kidding, I'd do the same thing, but it is hard for me to listen to the conversations again and again because a part of me wants to be in denial and enjoy our last week or so together.

I'm also having a hard time deciphering through the high amount of unsolicited advice I'm getting. I know that people are just trying to support me, but listening to my friends and family offer tips and thoughts on something that not one of them has experienced can be a little frustrating. However, I have found some pretty awesome blogs and sites that have been helpful.

Bf will be out of town this weekend getting ready but he will have another weekend here that I know of.... Delaying the inevitable but I am 100% ok with that.

Safe travels to anyone venturing around today!

Happy belated Valentine's Day

Pretty hard to believe that Bf and I have reached our one year mark. Just last year on Valentine's day, cupid took the night off and my sister-in-law stepped in and decided her cousin and I should meet and go on a date. The next weekend we were semi-awkwardly having dinner and laughing at strangers' karaoke attempts at the Park Tavern....

I'm very thankful that I got to spend Valentines day with S yesterday... He even got me flowers and chocolate. Maybe one of my not-so-subtle hints worked ;)

Our ten day escape to Florida was so relaxing and I had such a good time just spending time together. I even saw a couple things I never would have anticipated: S making a salad for dinner, and S trying a teeny bite of calamari. I was able to shut out a lot of the thoughts about him leaving for most of the week. However his upcoming deployment sparked lots of questions with my family so I did have a daily reminder that soon he'll be across the world from me. However, there were lots of laughs and to my surprise, S even wore shorts AND sandals without socks around the house most days (a huge move for those of you that don't know him)!

I think I have another week and a half with him in the state; I'm not looking forward to him leaving but I truly feel blessed to have gotten to have a few more weeks together and celebrate our one year together.

... And thank you

Also wanted to thank those of you who have been thinking and praying for me over the last few days. I truly appreciate your support as I figure out how the heck I'm going to pull this off!

Less than 24 hrs to takeoff

Today was a good day.... Maybe the best this week. A friend and I volunteered at a high school career fair for a few hours which was nice to break up the week. I'm also all packed up and so looking forward to leaving for Florida with Bf tomorrow. He's already gone and gotten his Army buzz and moved his stuff out of his house; pretty much makes it extremely difficult to ignore that the inevitable is closing in. Each day that goes by I'm secretly (but probably completely transparent) glad that he's here another day and I feel very lucky that we get to vacation before he deploys.

I also got a chance to talk to him more about how the up-in-the-air nature of this deployment is hard for me. Turns out everything about his job as well as any training, travel, and deployment is classified. So, moral of the story is that I just have to get over it ;)

Yay!

After waiting and hoping orders wouldn't come in over the last couple days, bf has officially gotten his ticket to florida with me! I feel so lucky and extremely thankful to be able to have a few days (and hopefully a week) with him before he leaves for deployment. I'm so happy that I've almost forgotten about my dress zipper completely splitting down my back at work today..... Almost.....

New Territory

Originally Posted 2/1/11 at 10:07

Never done a blog before but there's a first time for everything, right?

The last three days have been a bit of a whirlwind. I started Sunday thinking my biggest challenge for the week would be getting my email cleared out at work before leaving for vacation with my bf on Friday. A few hours later bf called and told me he was being deployed back to Iraq and could be leaving for training within 72 hours. My heart dropped and I seriously had to remind myself that this wasn't one of those freakishly real dreams; it was my next year completely changing and I suddenly felt extremely helpless.

We're still trying to get flight plans figured out for the vacation we had been planning. I don't do well when things are up in the air, so not knowing what flight if any that he will be on three days from know drives me crazy. Do we book one way until he gets his orders, take the risk and book a round trip knowing it may have to be adjusted? I'm used to being able to push through and get results....not happening in this case. Pretty sure that as important as spending time with BF before deployment is to me, probably isn't top priority for uncle sam. Maybe why bf is in the army and not me. also, i'm trying to balance my obsession to make this trip work with not pushing bf to get details that just aren't available and make him feel any more badly than he already does.

This is all still so unreal for me. Although I knew bf could potentially go back to iraq when we started dating, I don't think I truly thought it would become a reality. Im trying really hard to be my normal self with him but i know he can sense how anxious and overly positive i am and I don't know how to keep up a "normal" front.

I am incredibly proud of what he has done and will do for this country . However, I have absolutely no idea how to look at the next year and be anything but overwhelmed. But, if he can spend a year in the desert fighting for our freedom, I guess I can make skype and hotmail work for me.