Moving on

So I kind of fell off of the face of the earth for a few weeks... Sorry blog friends.

Don't worry, you haven't missed out on anything exciting in my life... But I do have some news.  I have a date.  With a guy.  Tomorrow night.  Yikes.

A few weeks ago, I joined e-harmony.  I did it maybe 4 years ago or so and I figured I would give it another go.  I haven't had any contact with Scott since we broke up, and I'm not letting him hold me back. 

But I'm kind of semi-freaking out.  I haven't been on a date in almost 2 years.  I don't know what to wear, am nervous about not getting there first (so then I have to find him vs. him having to find me), and I feel a little self conscious for the first time in a while.

However, I've talked to this guy at pretty good length - we spent an hour on the phone on Sunday and seemed to get along fairly well.  So, here goes nothing.  Hopefully I have a good date to share with you tomorrow night.

Return to Sender

I had a special delivery this week.... twice. 

The packages that I sent to Scott for his birthday showed up at my house two different days this week.  The boxes were beaten up, had multiple address changes, and then a big 'return to sender' note on them.  Can't say I was happy to see them.

When I got the first one last week, I opened it and went through it.  I took out anything I thought my brother would want (toiletries, socks, etc) and threw away the food.  I also came across the card that I'd writen him, and instead of reading it I tore it up and threw it away.  After I salvaged everything I wanted to, the whole package went outside into the garbage.

And today the second one showed up... This was the one that had the cake jars, a picture of us, and a baseball I got him in New York as well as a birthday card.  I didn't even open it this time.... Instead, the whole box went from my mailbox to my garbage can.  It bothers me that there are items in there that i could maybe use (paper plates and a picture frame) but they weren't meant for me.... And I can't use them without thinking about who they were meant for.  And I'm not going there.

I still think about Scott but I try not to... It's not going to do anything that will benefit me and I keep telling myself that piece of my life is over.  And the interesting thing is, I think I'm actually starting to believe it.

Namaste

My sister in law and I have been talking about taking Yoga classes for a little over a year now... this week the stars aligned (or we ran out of excuses...) and we attended our first class yesterday.  Oh.My.Gosh. 

I took a couple classes at a gym about 6 months ago but practicing at a Yoga only facility is so much better for me.  The studio is much more intimate and calming than a gym where I always seem to run into a coworker, previous classmate, etc. We have a free week as an introduction and I plan on using it as much as possible. 

I really think that Yoga will be good for me because thus far it's been more than just a workout.  Between my job and my personal life, I've been pretty consumed with stress and anxiety and I love spending an hour focusing on me only, my body, and my breathing.  Now I just need to take the class a few more times so I get in the habit. 

A countdown begins

Not gonna lie.... this was a very long week and there wasn't much that was good or fun about it.  Except for one thing....

I guess I should start at the begining... My friend Kara and I started to hang out together towards the end of our freshman year of high school through mutual friends.  We had crossed paths multiple times growing up because we both played soccer and competed at the same dance studio, but hadn't really spent much time together.  Our sophomore year of high school, we both put on the football cheerleadering squad and that's when we really started to get close.  Ever since, she has been a major part of my life and one of my very best friends.

Through the last 13 years, I've been by her side as she dated, fell in love, and (at times) had her heart broken.  And then she met Ryan.  Over the last 5 years, I've spent lots of time with them watching Vikings games during Sunday Fundays, heading out on to bars on the weekends, playing poker in our nasty apartment in uptown, to name a few things.  Through all of it, I watched them fall in love and last month he asked her to marry him.

Which brings me back to my favorite part of the week -- their engagement party last night!  It was such a fantastic night and I had so much fun with them and all of our friends.  And to top it all off, I was honored to have Kara ask me to be one of her bridesmaids. 

I couldn't be happier for them and am already counting down the days to 10/20/12 :)

Starting again

I came home to a beautiful bouquet of flowers from my mom sitting on my kitchen counter tonight.  What a great surprise... made my day.  Thanks Mom, you're the best :)

I'm proud of myself for finally getting back on my treadmill tonight.  I haven't touched it in a few months, and I really need to get back in the habit of working out.  I'm going to try not to blog about how out of breath or red faced I was.  But the point is that I did it.  Today is going to be the first day of my new routine...

For good this time

I've held out hope over the last week that Scott and I would be able to figure things out.  That the distance that I felt when he was here last was temporary, and with him home, we could go back to the way things were.

But the truth is, you can never go back.  I can't change the fact that he's been gone for the last 8 months.  I can't change the events he experienced and the time that he spent at war and the impact on him.  I can't change the feelings that I felt as more time went on without him, and the uncertainty that began to creep into my head since September. 

Tonight I saw him for the first time since he's been back.  He looked the same, but he was much more quiet than usual and more reserved.  I only saw the smile that I knew so well sneak out a few times, and our conversation felt forced with me asking questions and him giving short answers. 

Towards the end of our Mac & Cheese at Noodles, I noticed his leg bouncing extremely fast and for a long period of time.   As he dropped me off, he told me that he couldn't do this; couldn't do "us".  He said that it was nothing I had done, nothing I had or hadn't said, but that he just couldn't be in a relationship.  As he's saying these words to me, I notice how sincere he is.... my focus was so much on his eyes that digesting what he was saying came second.  I said ok, that I appreciate his honesty, and that I'm sure we'd be in touch.  I wished him well, and got out of the car.  No tears. No rebuttal.  No regrets.

I'm sad that it's over, but I don't think I completely thought it was ever back on.  Two weeks ago, I was begining to move on; and then I got word that he was back and the "what if" game started up.  I appreciate that I have real closure now, and that as crappy as it is, I know he's changed, he's in a different place in life, and that he can't be what I need him to be. 

With that said, I have to wish him well.  He will always have a piece of my heart, but he can no longer have my whole heart.  It's time for me to move on -- for good.