In reflection

To anyone who still reads this blog, thanks.  And sorry that I've been such a bad blogger lately.  I feel like I don't have anything good to say, or anything to talk about, and my days have kind of just gotten lost in the shuffle.

But now that I think back, it's been a month full of new beginnings, reminders of the gift that life is, and a time for new traditions. 

Beginnings.... I'm an improved me.  I don't like the phrase "new me" because I'm the same person deep down... I still laugh at my own jokes before I finish them, still adore my family and friends, and still have all of my bad habits.  But I feel stronger and more confident that, in the last month of the year, I'm being true to myself. 

I have completely moved on from my last relationship... It's interesting to me when I think about it... That my year and a half with Scott was my most serious and longest relationship, but I got over it the quickest (a few months).  What I've concluded is this:  I loved him with everything I had.  I put all of my trust, faith, hope, sweat and tears into our relationship and into him.  When we broke up, although I was sad, I knew that I had absolutely no regrets.  I knew that our relationship wasn't going to work because he couldn't give me back what I needed.  And thus the healing process began.... There was no should've, would've, could've... Our relationship had run it's course (probably more so than it should have) and it was time for that piece of my life to come to a close.

Which brings me to the new beginning.  I had 2 first dates this month.... I know, I know.  2 dates probably seems like nothing to most of you... but it was a big deal to me!  It's been good for me to meet other people, learn about them, and see if I think we're remotely compatible.

December also brought my favorite holiday... Christmas!  Not only did I geek out putting all my lights and decor out (ahem... the weekend before Thanksgiving), but I also hosted my first annual cookie exchange party.  As the years go by, my friends and I see less and less of each other.  It may have something to do with us getting older, some starting families, or maybe just that our hangovers have gotten too bad  :)  Whatever the case, I was excited to get everyone together for some sugar, frosting, wine, and much needed talk. 

And then there's yoga.... thank goodness I found something that is actually a legitimate work out that I enjoy.  I try to go 3 times a week (some days I've gotten up to 5) and I think I'm officially addicted.  I look forward to going everynight and crave it when I'm trying to get out of the office at the end of the day.  I feel better, I sleep better, and I'm more relaxed.  All in all, it's a good decision for me.

However, with all of the laughter, lights, music, and hope that comes with Christmas and December, God also took the opportunity to remind me (again) how fragile life truly is.  On Monday a friend of a friend died at the age of 28.  I had spent some time with her over the years at our mutual friends' houses for parties, birthdays, random nights out, and she was always such a genuine and sweet person.  Whenever I would see her, she would have a smile on her face and always strike up a conversation.   7 days before her death, she had a stroke while coaching a kids volleyball game.  She had been in great health and it was a total shock.  Her doctors did everything they could, but she left this earth on Monday to love her family from above. 

Based on the messages on her facebook page as well as the entries on her caring bridge site, this woman had more of an impact on a great number of people in her short life than many have in eighty or ninety years.  Why God took her from her family and friends, from the people that love her dearly, will be a mystery.   Each day truly is a gift.  We are not guaranteed anything.... not another sunrise or sunset, not another time to tell someone you love them, not another chance to make things right with someone. 

So, as we move forward into 2012, here's what I'm pledging to myself:

• To continue with making yoga a part of my life.  I need to be happy and healthy in my own skin.
• To continue to wear my heart on my sleeve.  Although this can sometimes lead to disappointment, it leaves me with no regrets.  Temporary disappointment is a much easier pill to swallow than a lifelong regret
• To take advantage of the time I have with the people I care about... tell them I love them, be kind, and put others first
• To start a gratitude journal.  365 Days and 365 things I'm thankful for.

Thank you to all of my readers for following me through this crazy, whirlwind, amazing journey of self discovery and change that this last year has given me.

Happy New Year.

The Nutcracker

I seriously love this commercial!  Favorite of 2011

Here's hoping...

Tonight I feel inspired, at peace, and happy with life as it stands.  Work is still out of control, my love life is non-existent, and I dont' have much for free time.  But I have an amazing family and friends, I have a job, I have love in my life, and I have my health.

About a month ago I started taking yoga with my sister-in-law.  We had an unlimited week for free at a studio near by and I was hopeful that I would continue afterwards.  However, a part of me figured it would be like any other workout that I had tried... Like when I was going to be a runner, going to do kickboxing at the gym, going to be a cyclist.  I'd do it for a few days, spend a ton of money on equiptment, a membership, etc, and then completely avoid it and find an excuse not to do it.  It just wasn't right and it didn't suit me.  But I love yoga.  Seriously. 

I look forward to it all day.... I make myself leave work on time and even go in early so I don't have to stay late wrapping up my email.  I love the way I walk out of a class, compeletly glistening with sweat and absolutely exhausted.... but at peace.  I haven't felt confident in myself or in my own skin in a while... and it's a feeling that I crave. 

I have absolutely no intention of falling off this wagon.  Not only is practicing yoga good for my stress levels and anxiety, it's great for my soul and it makes me feel like I'm 14 again, stretching and balancing and pushing myself as a dancer. 

I've also started to think more broadly about what practicing yoga has taught me about life in general.... I've dated a decent number of men.  I've gone into each relationship with the best intentions, invested everything I had, but it was never enough.  No matter how much I wanted to (or did) love that person, it just wasn't there.  I'm optimistic now that I will meet someone and it will just be right.... It won't be hard, it won't be a struggle, and that person will fulfill the void in my heart more than I ever thought possible.

So here's hoping....

Ho-Ho-Hostess

I'm hosting my first Christmas cookie exchange tomorrow with some girlfriends and can't wait!  The house is clean, I have my Santa and Snowman themed plates/napkins/etc, menu is planned, cookies are in the oven, and decor is out! 

I found my cookie on pinterest and based on the sample I just "tested", I think they'll be a hit. 
Cherry Chocolate Kisses

I'm also going to have some flavored Bailey's and hot chocolate, as well as a strawberry/champagne punch. and a few apps.

All in all, it will be a fun afternoon and I'm really looking forward to it!  Hope you have a happy Saturday as well.

Now, if only I can get the string of lights in the middle of my tree lights to work... Oh well.  Guess you can't win em all!  :)

Patience.

This week has been all about testing my patience.. both in my personal and professional life.  Work has been insanely busy and  I've gotten really frustrated over a few people and their lack of ownership.  It's hard for me to have the same conversation with people over and over again, and then have them still do nothing about it.  And what frustrates me even more is when their lack of drive and accountability starts to impact people's perception of me and my ability to do my job.

After an extremely difficult day on Tuesday, I had my best yoga practice to date.  It felt amazing and helped me put the day behind me.  And on my way home I reminded myslef that the only thing I can control is how I react to things.  No matter what I say or do, I can't do something for someone else.... they need to.  And at the end of the day, if I feel as though I've done everything I can, that needs to be enough. 

On a personal note, I feel as though I'm taking a few steps backwards with getting over S.  I miss being in a relationship and I miss being able to call him and talk to him.  I miss laughing with him and being optimistic about what our future held.  I know in my heart and in my head that our relationship is over.  Maybe its just this time of year thats causing the sadness to sneek back.  I know I need to trust that God has a plan for me and that I will meet the love of my life when I'm supposed to.  But in the mean time, I still miss my old relationship.

Tis the season

I love Christmas and everything about it.  I love how the lights on houses and trees make an incredibly dark night bright and cheery.  I love that despite the good or bad events that have happened over the last 12 months, Christmas brings people, families, and friends together....   And I love the candlelight service on Christmas Eve at Church.  Most of all, though, I truly love planning the perfect gift for my loved ones.

Most people would call me nuts... I prefer to think of myself as a Christmas enthusiast.  My tree has been up since the weekend before Thanksgiving, I've been secretly listening to Christmas music at work since the beginning of November,  I plan out my Black Friday shopping, and I have a detailed Excel spreadsheet tracking gifts for my family.  AND I LOVE IT!

I spend hours at a time doing research online, searching Target.com, Amazon, or blogs to identify a few possible gifts.  And then I strike.... I'm extremely proud of some of the deals I got this year.  The only problem is that I've been done with my shopping for a week.  So many days left of the holiday shopping season.... and my gifts are already wrapped an under my tree.

Correction:  The bigger problem is keeping my oh-so-fantastic gifts a secret until Christmas.  It kills me every year!  I get so excited and I want to give the gift right then and there..... But don't worry, I find a way to keep my trap shut.  

Hope your holiday season is merry and bright!

Girls' Day

Despite all of my worrying and "what if" thoughts, I survived my first first-date in almost 2 years.  And believe it or not, I had a little fun too!  We went to get drinks and apps after work, and had lots to talk about.  Hopefully there will be a second date, but if not, that's ok too.

Today my baby Reese came to hang out with me.  My brother needed to get some yard work done before the snow hit this afternoon, so I got to spend a few hours snuggling the little peanut.  She is so precious! My heart melts everytime her face breaks out into a big grin or when she "talks" to me (in gibberish of course).  Such a blessing.

My super-mom also came to my rescue today. I'm hosting a Christmas cookie exchange party next weekend for some girlfriends and my house was in major need of some TLC.  When talking about weekend plans with my mom, she asked if she could come help me clean.  And she means business!  My house looks 110% better and is in a place where I just need to manage it versus block two days for some serious cleaning.  She's amazing.... She always gives so selflessly and is willing to help with anything.  I treated her to pizza, a beer, and a movie, but I still don't think we're quite even.

Moving on

So I kind of fell off of the face of the earth for a few weeks... Sorry blog friends.

Don't worry, you haven't missed out on anything exciting in my life... But I do have some news.  I have a date.  With a guy.  Tomorrow night.  Yikes.

A few weeks ago, I joined e-harmony.  I did it maybe 4 years ago or so and I figured I would give it another go.  I haven't had any contact with Scott since we broke up, and I'm not letting him hold me back. 

But I'm kind of semi-freaking out.  I haven't been on a date in almost 2 years.  I don't know what to wear, am nervous about not getting there first (so then I have to find him vs. him having to find me), and I feel a little self conscious for the first time in a while.

However, I've talked to this guy at pretty good length - we spent an hour on the phone on Sunday and seemed to get along fairly well.  So, here goes nothing.  Hopefully I have a good date to share with you tomorrow night.

Return to Sender

I had a special delivery this week.... twice. 

The packages that I sent to Scott for his birthday showed up at my house two different days this week.  The boxes were beaten up, had multiple address changes, and then a big 'return to sender' note on them.  Can't say I was happy to see them.

When I got the first one last week, I opened it and went through it.  I took out anything I thought my brother would want (toiletries, socks, etc) and threw away the food.  I also came across the card that I'd writen him, and instead of reading it I tore it up and threw it away.  After I salvaged everything I wanted to, the whole package went outside into the garbage.

And today the second one showed up... This was the one that had the cake jars, a picture of us, and a baseball I got him in New York as well as a birthday card.  I didn't even open it this time.... Instead, the whole box went from my mailbox to my garbage can.  It bothers me that there are items in there that i could maybe use (paper plates and a picture frame) but they weren't meant for me.... And I can't use them without thinking about who they were meant for.  And I'm not going there.

I still think about Scott but I try not to... It's not going to do anything that will benefit me and I keep telling myself that piece of my life is over.  And the interesting thing is, I think I'm actually starting to believe it.

Namaste

My sister in law and I have been talking about taking Yoga classes for a little over a year now... this week the stars aligned (or we ran out of excuses...) and we attended our first class yesterday.  Oh.My.Gosh. 

I took a couple classes at a gym about 6 months ago but practicing at a Yoga only facility is so much better for me.  The studio is much more intimate and calming than a gym where I always seem to run into a coworker, previous classmate, etc. We have a free week as an introduction and I plan on using it as much as possible. 

I really think that Yoga will be good for me because thus far it's been more than just a workout.  Between my job and my personal life, I've been pretty consumed with stress and anxiety and I love spending an hour focusing on me only, my body, and my breathing.  Now I just need to take the class a few more times so I get in the habit. 

A countdown begins

Not gonna lie.... this was a very long week and there wasn't much that was good or fun about it.  Except for one thing....

I guess I should start at the begining... My friend Kara and I started to hang out together towards the end of our freshman year of high school through mutual friends.  We had crossed paths multiple times growing up because we both played soccer and competed at the same dance studio, but hadn't really spent much time together.  Our sophomore year of high school, we both put on the football cheerleadering squad and that's when we really started to get close.  Ever since, she has been a major part of my life and one of my very best friends.

Through the last 13 years, I've been by her side as she dated, fell in love, and (at times) had her heart broken.  And then she met Ryan.  Over the last 5 years, I've spent lots of time with them watching Vikings games during Sunday Fundays, heading out on to bars on the weekends, playing poker in our nasty apartment in uptown, to name a few things.  Through all of it, I watched them fall in love and last month he asked her to marry him.

Which brings me back to my favorite part of the week -- their engagement party last night!  It was such a fantastic night and I had so much fun with them and all of our friends.  And to top it all off, I was honored to have Kara ask me to be one of her bridesmaids. 

I couldn't be happier for them and am already counting down the days to 10/20/12 :)

Starting again

I came home to a beautiful bouquet of flowers from my mom sitting on my kitchen counter tonight.  What a great surprise... made my day.  Thanks Mom, you're the best :)

I'm proud of myself for finally getting back on my treadmill tonight.  I haven't touched it in a few months, and I really need to get back in the habit of working out.  I'm going to try not to blog about how out of breath or red faced I was.  But the point is that I did it.  Today is going to be the first day of my new routine...

For good this time

I've held out hope over the last week that Scott and I would be able to figure things out.  That the distance that I felt when he was here last was temporary, and with him home, we could go back to the way things were.

But the truth is, you can never go back.  I can't change the fact that he's been gone for the last 8 months.  I can't change the events he experienced and the time that he spent at war and the impact on him.  I can't change the feelings that I felt as more time went on without him, and the uncertainty that began to creep into my head since September. 

Tonight I saw him for the first time since he's been back.  He looked the same, but he was much more quiet than usual and more reserved.  I only saw the smile that I knew so well sneak out a few times, and our conversation felt forced with me asking questions and him giving short answers. 

Towards the end of our Mac & Cheese at Noodles, I noticed his leg bouncing extremely fast and for a long period of time.   As he dropped me off, he told me that he couldn't do this; couldn't do "us".  He said that it was nothing I had done, nothing I had or hadn't said, but that he just couldn't be in a relationship.  As he's saying these words to me, I notice how sincere he is.... my focus was so much on his eyes that digesting what he was saying came second.  I said ok, that I appreciate his honesty, and that I'm sure we'd be in touch.  I wished him well, and got out of the car.  No tears. No rebuttal.  No regrets.

I'm sad that it's over, but I don't think I completely thought it was ever back on.  Two weeks ago, I was begining to move on; and then I got word that he was back and the "what if" game started up.  I appreciate that I have real closure now, and that as crappy as it is, I know he's changed, he's in a different place in life, and that he can't be what I need him to be. 

With that said, I have to wish him well.  He will always have a piece of my heart, but he can no longer have my whole heart.  It's time for me to move on -- for good.

The endless closet

There is a great website (polyvore.com) that allows you to make inspiration boards of various clothing pieces, accessories, and beauty supplies.... Dangerous.  Check out below for some that I've created...

Attending a friend's wedding

A night out on the town

And a fun outfit for work

Too bad I don't have all of these fabulous things in my closet!  That would make getting dressed in the morningn much more fun :)



Say what?

What a crazy 5 days it has been! I've been happy, sad, humbled, confused, thankful and regretful all in a matter of hours.

Scott and I are trying to talk things out... Turns out he has a very different recollection of the conversations we had right before he left than I do. 

It has me thinking... Communication is so so so important.  As I've thought about how we both have handled this part of our lives, I've come to the conclusion that pride or fear of looking stupid has no room in a relationship.  I need to remind myself to always ask for clarification or say something if what I heard doesn't seem right, if I think I heard it wrong, or if it surprised or hurt me.  I also learned not to wait until my emotions have built up to have a serious conversation.

I didn't contact Scott after that tough convo (right before he left) because my feelings were hurt.  I felt like I put myself out there during his leave, talked to him about how I was willing to wait but wanted to know that he wanted to be in this relationship when he got back.  And when he didn't contact me within a few weeks, my defense mechanisms went up and I was forced to make the assumption that he didn't care about me anymore.

Long story short, with the same pre-departure conversation, he heard me say that I didn't want to waste my time while he was gone.  His feelings hurt, right after he got back to Iraq he got an email from his mom sending her condolences that we broke up.  That being news to him, he didn't contact me. 

Like I said, we're trying to talk through things.  We both care about each other, agree that most of our issues stem from miscommunication, and have regrets over how the last 2 months has gone.  All I can do is be thankful that he came home when he did, or our relationship would have been absolutely irreconcilable. 

And then my world flipped upside down...

So get this... I'm putsing around yesterday morning getting ready for work.  I was running late (because I made the mistake of laying down in my bed after getting out of the shower) when my phone rang.  I normally don't get calls at that time of the day, so I figured that it was someone on my team telling me that they're running late as well.  With that assumption, I wasn't in a hurry to get to my cell and right before the call went to voicemail, I saw S's picture on my screen. 

Seriously.  My heart almost stopped.  Why was someone using his phone?  Why was it activated?  And why, of all people, were they calling me (not a funny joke)?  I called him back, but just heard a bunch of noise and didn't get a voice on the other line.   At that point, my brain started spinning.  Someone must have stolen his phone.  He's not back until March, and pretty sure Iraq doesn't get US cell service.

I landed on the conclusion that someone must have gotten a hold of his phone and reactivated it.  So, I sent S's mom a text explaining the weird calls.  To my surprise, she texted me back saying it was  him and he was at the New Jersey airport. 

OH.MY.GOSH.  This couldn't be happening.  He is back?!  For good!?  Seriously????

He called me back about 30 min later to tell me that his mission is over, and they were all coming home. 

I'm floored.  I had so many different emotions running through me all at the same time I didn't know what to do/say/think. 

I am SO thankful that he is home; that he is safe.

I am relieved and in shock that this stage of both of our lives is over.  I had been dreading the potential news that he was going to deploy since June 2010.  And then the call came in and since then the last 8 months of my life has been held hostage by fear, worry, and sadness.  And now it's over.  IT'S FINALLY OVER!

And then there's our relationship (or what was our relationship).  I have absolutely no idea what will happen with us over the next few weeks.  There are definitely some conversations that need to be had between the two of us, but I feel as though a weight has been lifted off of me. I don't know if we will work out or not.  On one hand, I can see us starting to date again and slowly getting back to where we were before he left.  On the other hand, if we can't get a couple things worked out, we may go our seperate ways.  But we would do so with closure and with mutual conversation/decisions. 

No longer do I have to watch the news and have a pit in my stomach.  No longer do I have to send an email and wait up to a week for a brief response.  He's home.  And regardless of what happens next, one of my biggest prayers has been answered.

Getting fresh at Macy's

I went to Macy's this morning because they had advertised bras on sale.  I grabbed a couple in what I thought was my size, tried them, on and when I didn't like any of them, signed up for a free bra fitting.

Have you ever done that?  It's amazing... I was totally off with what I thought I should be wearing.  But the best part, was the lady who did my fitting and the semi-awkwardness that went on.

She was hysterical.  She walked right into the fitting room with me and asked me to take off my shirt.  As she started to get a bra ready for me she casually says "You're not one of those shy girls, are you?  It's must faster if I can just do it."  Well.... um... I guess not. 

About 30 min later, after being scolded about the size I had been wearing and hering an "oh my, that doesn't fit at all" before she measured me, I had some great new bras.  As I was paying for them, another fit consultant/sales person complimented one that I was purchasing.  Before I had a chance to say anything my sales person said loudly "Oh you should see it on her!  It's absolutely FABULOUS!" :)

What a way to start the day :)

It got me thinking

I was trying to check my personal email on my cell phone this afternoon when I accidentally opened the folder where I have saved all of S's emails instead of my normal Inbox.  When I saw his name at the top of my screen, my heart seriously skipped a beat... He wanted to appologize for being a jerk the last few months, I thought.  A second or so later, I realized I'd just gone into the wrong folder, and that S didn't reach out to me after all. 

However, that smart phone malfunction got me reminiscing...

I miss looking at pictures of us and feeling complete.
I miss saying his name out loud or including him in random conversations
I miss looking forward to a homecoming
I miss daydreaming and planning things for us to do... trips we could take, dinner dates, and so on.
I miss the way his eyes would light up when he thought I'd said something funny
I miss the email correspondence we had.  Even though it wasn't much, a sentence from him could make my day and make me smile from ear to ear
I miss the playful bantering back and forth with funny or sarcastic comments.
I miss being important in his life
I miss the way he'd put a protective hand on my lower back when we'd walk through a crowd
I miss being in love instead of just loving someone from a far.
I miss feeling hopeful and confident about the future and the next stage of my life.
I miss him.  The old him.  The him he was before he left. 

What to do

I think I need a hobby.... I'm working a lot, come home, work a little more while watching tv, and then go to bed.  I need something else to do other than weed through email and sit my butt on the couch. 

Here are my thoughts:
-Yoga... Love it but it's expensive
-Take an art class... but I'm not very creative
-Cooking classes
-Golf
-Tennis
-?????

What do you guys do to keep yourself busy?

Escape from reality

10 years ago, I walked into a bare dorm room in a town I'd only been to once before, anxiously waiting for my randomly appointed roommate to arrive.  A stranger that I was going to spend the next 9 months of my life with from another area of MN.  What I didn't know at the time was how important she would be in my life and how much I would love and respect her as a friend for years to come. 

This weekend, I needed an escape from my reality so I roadtripped about 4 hours to visit that very person, Lyn.  The few days away were just what I needed to unwind, relax a little bit, and fall in love with another man... Baby Nolan. 

Words cannot describe how beautiful and handsome this little boy is.  Seriously, he has the most amazing blue eyes I've ever seen.  And it's so great to see Lyn and her husband as parents...  Sometimes when I see a friend as a new mom or dad, it seems wierd to me.  Not these two, though.  I think they were always meant to be parents and seeing them with Baby seems completely natural.

The weather was great so we took Baby to the park, she introduced me to my new FAVORITE home decor store (good thing there was room in the car for all my new treasures!), and we had some very tasty martinis and apps at a restaurant near her house. 

Thank you, Lyn, for letting me hang with you this weekend.... Your friendship and support means the world to me, and I'm so happy for you and your adorable family. <3

Reality Check.

I'm still having a hard time being "happy".  All I can think of blogging about is my failed relationship or the stress going on at work right now.

Times like now, as the days are getting shorter and my mind wanders to things I can't control, it's important for me to remember all of the amazing things God has blessed me with.  For these things, I'm thankful...

~My health.
~My AMAZING family.... Between my parents, my brother & sister (and their spouses), and my nieces, I'm truly blessed.
~My career.  Although there are days when it truly pushes me close to the breaking point, I do enjoy it and am thankful to have a job that can support me financially
~My friends!  From work, high school, college, or everything in between, each one of them is important to me and I'm lucky to have them in my life
~My SUV.  Man, I love that car
~My home.  I'm very proud of the fact that I've been a homeowner for 4 years and I'm thankful for a roof over my head
~Forgiveness.  Of me and of others
~Moments of laughter that come out of nowhere
~Generosity of others
~Reminders that life is yours to live
~Miracles
~Loving to love

Ok.... so now what?

It's time to start over...  I think I'm finally to the point where I'm accepting the fact that the person I loved will not be a part of my life anymore. I know I've said that before, but I've been holding out hope -- I will still care about him and wish him well, but I need to move on. 

But I don't remember how.

When I think back almost 2 years ago before I met him, all I can remember is how frustrating dating was.  I've never been a fan of being single and I don't like dating at all.  Some people can find the fun in it - meeting new people and seeing if there's a connection - but I've never been one of them. 

I don't even know where to start. 

I'm mad and disappointed that S has let me down; that he's turned his back on me and put everything we had aside.  I thought I had met my match; but I don't want to be with someone that can turn their feelings on and off like a light switch.   I want a man that will stand by me through good and bad, and communicate with me regardless of whether the news is great or not.  Someone who won't let me go so easily.  

I thought that getting out of bed in the morning and going on with life as usual would be the first step.  But it's already been over a month and I don't feel any better about the situation that I'm in or the next chapter of my life. 

I'm trying to remember that everything happens for a reason (because I do truly believe that), but some days are harder than others.  I know that God has a plan for all of us, I just wish I could get a sneek peek. 

Taking on the orchard

For a few weeks now, I've been promising my niece Anna that I would take her to an apple orchard.  Well, yesterday was the day!  We drove about 30 minutes west of the Twin Cities to the Apple Jacks Orchard.  My SIL Jamie and baby Reese, and her sister Jenny and her little boy Carter who is 2 also came along for the fun.  Anna and Carter were in my brother and Jamie's wedding together last year as the Ring Bearer and Flower Girl so it was cute to see them together again.  

The kiddo's had so much fun!  Even though the adults were moving a little slowly (it was a long Sat night...he he..), it was so much fun to take them and the day was absolutely BEAUTIFUL!  Can't beat 80 degrees in October...

I had no idea that there was so much to do -- They each got to ride a pony, took a hayride around the orchard, burned up energy in an outdoor play area climbing stacks of hay to go down slides, saw lots of different animals, picked out pumpkins and apples, and rode the cow train ( see below... how cute is that!?). All in all, it was a good day and all 6 of us were exhausted (except Baby R, she slept the whole time).

Needless to say, I returned a very tired and dusty little girl to my sister :)

Live each day

... as if it's your last.  Too bad we don't follow that amazing advice more often.

I found out this week that one of my college roommate's dad passed away.  It was extremely sudden and completely out of the blue.  No one saw it coming, and he passed away in his sleep. 

Tomorrow evening a girlfriend and I are driving the 2 hours to be able to support B at the wake before heading back on the road.  I can't even imagine what a loss she is feeling right now and I don't have a clue what words I will be able to say to even take a teeny bit of her pain away.

I love my parents dearly and I don't even want to allow myslef to think about life without them. 

Here's to taking advantage of each day, never forgetting to say 'I love you', and for going to bed with no regrets...



Time to let go?

I can't believe it's been almost 4 weeks since I last talked to S.  It feels like it's been months.... but no, not even close.

I like to think I'm doing well with things and that I'm handling the fact that my relationship has been turned upsidedown. But realistically, I haven't let myself have a chance to think about what's happened (or hasn't) and what that means long term. 

I still haven't heard a word from him since the day before he left which is so crazy to me.  I thought he would reach out to me over the last few weeks or at least when he arrived back to the sandbox.  I can't believe I haven't even gotten so much as an "I'm safe" email.

I wish I knew what happened to my boyfriend.... the man that cared about me and had made me an important part of his life. 

I'm in so much denial that I've been able to go on with my life and put the details and betrayal out of my mind.  I know that we're not in a relationship right now (afterall, you can't be in a relationship without another person), but a part of me is still holding out for the S I knew to come back to me in March. 

Don't get me wrong, I've told myself everything you're thinking right now (and I've heard it from some of my friends)...
-You deserve more
-You have given him so much and he hasn't made an effort for you
-You shouldn't waste your time on someone that doesn't make you a priority (war or not)
-You've made excuses for him; it's his time to step up.
Easier said than done. 

His birthday is Sunday, and sometime this week he should be getting the 2 packages I sent him (before we broke up).  After that milestone, I'm hoping I can start to let go.... After all, it's apparent that he has.

Happy October!

I LOVE to celebrate for the holidays and more recently, start to decorate my house for them.  (Mom, I think I may have inherited this from you :) ).  Here's a few pics of my fall/halloween decor...

Filled with a pumpkin scented candle and mini pumpkins and apple chips... Got all of it including the candle holder at Bachman's

Found this at Michaels and LOVE it

A flower arrangement with leaves scattered on the charger

Another splash of fall for the top of my fireplace

Lantern with more mini pumpkins inside

Halloween wreath from Target

Illuminated pumpkin from Target

There's good in every day...

What I loved about today:

~ sleeping in (10 hours, to be exact)
~waking up with my windows cracked
~the pumpkin candle burning in my living room
~my Halloween decor out
~laundry finally put away
~3 new crockpot recipes I'm excited to try
~my new bedding
~creating my own wall art (love pinterest)
~berry white mocha from caribou
~sunshine with the crisp fall weather
~feeling positive about the weeks to come

Hope you've had an enjoyable Saturday.