Relief

I got an email from S today!!  I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw his name show up on my blackberry between another Express sale and something from Shutterfly. The random part about it was that I'd just gone to get coffee and I had been talking with a coworker about how many exact days (and almost hours) it had been since I'd heard anything from him, and then there it was....

I read it over two or three times before all the emotions started to sink in.  I felt as though a weight was lifted off my shoulders.  Then the raw the emotions hit me and I was completely caught off guard by that.  I can't quite explain what I'm feeling; it's very bittersweet. 

Like I said before, I was relieved to hear from him and glad to know that he was able to communicate again.

But, then the tears hit.

Everything started to sink in and I got sad.  As weird as it may sound, suddenly everything was "real".  I had confirmation again that he is in the midst of a deployment in war zone(even though I've "known" it for a while) and I'd heard from him. But I still can't just pick up the phone and call. 

His email was sweet and it reminded me even more of how much I miss him.  I also think that over the handful of weeks I've been emailing him and thinking about him with no response, I started to idealize the response I would get.  Don't get me wrong, his email was perfect and exactly him.  But I think I let my mind get carried away imagining what he would write to me and pour out how much he missed me too over the last 33 days; it's stupid to feel even remotely disappointed by reading his email but it was something I felt.

I feel better about everything now that I can communicate with him a little bit, but I think I'll be pretty obsessed with checking my blinking phone every time I get a new email. 

I look forward to each phase of this deployment moving on and starting the next.  But then when it happens, it gets me closer to him coming home, but it also brings new challenges, feelings, and personal obstacles. 

Thanks for all the prayers.... It means the world to me.